[x]Beautiful Liar[x]

I Write Sins, Not Tragedies

2006-07-12T14:16:00.000+10:00

Over the past few months i have realised quite a few things.... important things in my life that i have royaly fucked up over and over again. again this os a post full of thoughts and ideas and heartache... my life is full of it and if you choose not to read on you're probably smarter than i am but this is whats been happening.

as most of you who read this will know my parents went away for 3 months recently and have only just gotten back last week... in this time i was a busy, confused and sad little girl trying to survive paycheck to paycheck. I went out most nights trying to distract myself from what was actually happening... my heart was breaking, slowly and painfully. shattering and splintering into my thoughts constantly making me cry in the privacy that i had made myself in my home.
Why you might ask? what have you got to be sad about? I'm not sure if you remember me talking about my (now ex) boyfriend Andrew? or Doomsayer? well i have i'm sure of it. I realised that i loved this boy with all my heart and soul and as corny and cleche as that might be it's true... it's the kind of love where it hurts your heart to think about them, it actually hurts like an ache or a strain, the kind where they're always on your mind... constantly. the kind where everything reminds you of something you've lost. every smell, every song, every part of your life or house or friends or... you get the point. i was in love and i threw it away all becuase of my fucking stupid brain overruling my feelings. but thats a long and annoying story.
during these months i tryed to regain contct with Andrew... writing letters, calling him a few times ect... trying to explain somethings that i felt (and feel) i need to explain. i wrote letter after letter wording and rewording my love and asking him to call me just so we could talk... none of thses letters were sent... I called him about 2 weeks ago now... after waiting for a month for him to call me and although i seem stupid for persuing this with him not even caring but the circumstances are alot more complicated than i'd like to explan to you... so don't ask me why.. just read. I called him... asked weather he was going to do anything about the letter i had given him? he said he was going to but now that he had the time he would explain... what did he have to explain??? well it was simply that he never wated to speak to me again... he never wanted to see me or even know i existed... he had moved on, apparently. i don't beleive it although i respect it and wont keep hassling him... i just cryed... balled my eyes out... i wanted to die and this is not like me... i don't cry often, i don't scream ever i am not that girl.. i'm "one of the boys" and boys don't cry... so from then to now i have been dealing with the fact that i screwed everrything i have ever wanted up.... it hurts and i'm not dealing well... So thats whats been happening in my life since we last spoke and i hope somene has advice for me becuase i'm so fucking lost i don't know what to do...

Sleshie

2006-05-25T15:03:00.000+10:00

Wow, it's been a long time... lets see whats been happening in the world of sleshie...
Well my folks are still away... another month to go, and I'v been quite a busy girl. I broke up with "boyfriend" a while back... about 3 weeks to a month and am still in my downward spiral of bullshit. as you all know my parents left me with only $200 for 3 months and were meant to pay the bills before they left so i wouldnt have to deal with emence emounts of money i don't have... well, lets just say they "forgot" and now i have over $2000 of bills that needed to be payed yesterday. so my electricity/gas/phone will most likly be cut off sometime soon. and there is no way to get onto my parents to get them to give me the money to pay... to top that off my dog, the most beautiful, yappy, fluff ball you have ever met Died yesterday. he wasn't even at home... he was staying at his Mums house, with some of my mums friends and apprently he started having seasures and lost control of his back legs. they took him to the Vet and he had a brain tumor... they had to put him down but although that makes me sad, they put him down without calling me fisrt, without informing me until they had already done it... I think thats just plain illeagal seeing as he's not their dog for one and they had no right... i'm not saying i wouldn't have put him down myself but it's the fact that they didn't call me first to get my permission. so i'm having the worst week of my life and thats about all thats happened... bad things.
Quick update i'll tell you all mosr later i have to go.

Throw a lasso around my tiny lil heart cowboy!

2006-04-13T10:53:00.000+10:00

well well well, it's been a while since I posted hasn't it.... well not compared to Millwood’s standards or even Surly's but for me it's a long time. I think we should have a chat, don’t you... catch up on things. *Nods*

Well... I’ll start and go back shall I??

Today: My "boyfriend" is going to Sydney to see my ex boyfriends band play at METALSTOCK without me... granted I can't afford to go and would most likely be Ultra jealous over my ex issues but the fact that my now boyfriend is going up to Sydney with my ex... as well as going up there to see this girl, who he met a few years ago, and she fell in love with him, although she's married and has a kid and is perfectly happy, but still wants to fuck my boyfriend kind of scares me... although I really don't think I’d care if he did. Is that weird? But yeah I’m missing out on METALSTOCK and I’m bummed....

Yesterday: woke up around 12ish by a call from "boyfriend" asking if I wanted to go to lunch at the Irish? Of course I said yes... who passes up Guinness at 12:30 in the afternoon!!!! Not me! I arrive at Knox and walk to the Irish, all the way through Knox because stupid me parked on the other side!!!! Anyway I get there and sit down and “boyfriend” tells me he’s bought me stuff… hands it over, it’s a cuteish bunny (as I AM the Easter bunny I see no point in buying me one but it’s the thought that counts) and then he leaves… strange me thinks. I go home to have a shower and change before going out to trivia (yes I went to a trivia night and it was awesome!) then I went home.

Day before yesterday: didn’t do much during the day but… at about 4:00ish I arrived at my friend Brodies house waited for about 45 mins for Nikki & Burt to show up then went on our way to………………SUICIDE GIRLS! It was RAD! We got to Brunswick st. at about 6ish. Wandered around and then ate. Doors opened at 8… we lined up… went right to the front… the first band WAILED! The chick could scream…. The second band…. Well let’s just describe them shall we.
BURNARD FANNING LOOK ALIKES every fucking one of them! And can we say movement… there was none… you would at least think that they would move something other than their arms but no…. no moving BORING but by the 4th or 5th song a chick poked her head through the curtain and started dancing so it made it all better till the end of their set.
Now at 10:45 SUICIDE GIRLS started…. Raigen was first… with a “magic trick” where she unzipped her top and showed he boobies!! It was RAD! Then came Missy Suicide then all the others… they’re not that important… but the most awesome thing was NESSA. She’s hot… she’s Goth… she has dreads… and she licked me! During her show… she was wearing tourniquets and a corset, she was dancing away, everyone screaming etc. and she comes right up to me, whips the tourniquet around my neck, pulls me close and…. Licks my face! I was in shock! It was the most awesome…most Rad thing ever!!!!!
After that I couldn’t speak… all I could do was scream! By the time they finished it was about 12:30 the finale consisted on Whipped cream, Glitter and Silly string being sprayed all over the first 5 rows… as well as Vodka, beer and wine… I left covered in shit smiling my ass off and horny as hell!
It was the best fun I have ever had!!!!! not to mention i was ALMOST (apart from the girls)
one of the hottest chicks there... i'll explain later But I really have to go now… we’ll talk about you next time.
BYEE!

They're gone!

2006-03-31T17:38:00.000+11:00

My folks have left... i am officially alone and I LOVE IT! there shall be a blogger party soon... when i get myself settled in enough.
although they are fucking stupid people... you know how you'd normally go away, and leave your child some money (if you had children)... enough to get them through the 3 months without you... well mine gave me WAIT FOR IT!!!! $200... for 3 months... I'm going to starve... i do get paid by centrewhore but fortnightly pays of $200 dosn't give me enough money to buy food and pay the bills! so i'm fucked and i need a job URGENTLY if anyone could help me out i will do anything.... anywhere...anytime! i need the cash!

It hurts

2006-03-31T01:50:00.000+11:00

I would just like to say,

It hurts so fucking much, my heart... I'm really really sad!
I hate people... I hate them! well certain people... not you... just people.
WHY!!! it hurts. *cry* owies

Sleshie

Slesh's Gig Guide

2006-03-28T23:45:00.000+11:00

On thursday 30th March Konvikted souls (a friend of mines band) are playing at RUBY'S LOUNGE... you all know it from Gun street girls posts and TKIBN.
I sugest any metal fan's come to this gig... it'll be good... u'll meet a fellow blogger and see an awesome show all in one night.
The Guys should play from about 8 onwards but I'll let you know for sure as soon as possible...
These guys are awesome and it's not heavy... It's more Rock than anything... Come and i'll personally kiss your feet... i will... really

COME! PLEASE!

A meeting with Millwood..

2006-03-27T18:13:00.000+11:00

Today was the day of my "blind date" with Millwood...
I drove to Chadstone a litle aprhencive becuase i wasn't sure if he would show... but he did :)
we had coffee (at least he did) and the stingy bastard made me pay (jibes) I didn't mind actually i figure it's awkward enough that we're meeting up i should at least put him at ease with caffeen.
we talked of life, love, Work and fellow bloggers... I hear Surly has a gig on saturday he hasn't informed anyone about as well... and we went bowling :) I havn't done that in some time... and i didn't wear socks today so i had to wear rented bowling shoes without socks... HYGENIC!
I hope i didnt scare him with my "open" persona... i tend not to hide my faults...
but i had heaps of fun :) HEAPS! and he's not too bad on the old eyes either... hint hint...nudge nudge...wink wink and all that bullshit.
So in closing I had a RAD time, and hope to do it again sometime...

By the way I'm having a "blogger party" soon and will post the dates etc asap... please people COME! i want to meet the people who read about me :)

That is all

The deep blue...

2006-03-26T16:29:00.000+11:00

I dyed my hair on Friday... i think it looks RAD!
Here are some pics....

I'm Grumpy! heh heh heh...

Hulk and Me! I look retarded.

I had a boo boo... no really i cut my thumb... it hurt.

ONE MILLION DOLLARS!

Well there you go folks... I have blue hair... and i look bad in photo's but at least you can recognise me if you see me walking down the street.

Whats your walk HAHAHA! i love these!

2006-03-25T00:29:00.000+11:00

Your walk is:
Full of Arm Flailing

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

Your walk is:
Pirate-esque

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

HAHA PIRATE! YAAR

Your walk is:
A Mix of Hopping, Dancing and Writhing in Pain

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

BAHHHAHAHAH!

Your walk is:
Constantly Enforcing your Personal Bubble

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

Your walk is:
All About the Disco Arms

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

Your walk is:
'Dandy'

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

Your walk is:
Crazy

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

Try it!!! hahah!

Some things you might already know

2006-03-23T23:41:00.000+11:00

Angry as bastard asked Ekky these questions and i thought.. HEY! what the fuck i'll answer them too!
so here goes...

-Do you believe in god? yes... I was brought up a christian and will most likly stay connected in some way all my life.
-How old were you when you lost your viginity? ummm i think 14 (i don't remeber is that bad???)
-Have you ever been in love? once i knew of.
-What do you hate about yourself? The fact i have a reputation... and my flabby tummy.
-Are you afraid of dying? no... supprisingly.
-When did you last cry? While paralle parking hahaha
-Are you lonely? YES!
-How often do you masturbate? I don't and i'm not lying!!
-Have you ever had a pregnancy scare? Yep
-Have you ever cheated on someone? hahahah! yes :(
-Marriage and kids, could you ever see it for yourself? Yeah i could but it would take someone VERY special!
-Have you ever cut yourself? unfortunatly yes... it was stupid and i was stupid
-Are you able to have sex without any emotional hang ups? yes... GOD YES!
-Do you like Johnny Cash or do you think he's just been appropriated by a horde of posers and his talent is meagre at best? Meagre
-'Man Who Sold the World', Bowie or Nirvana version better? is there a right answer to this one? they're both good... I have sentimental attatchment to Nirvana one... but Bowie does rock!
-Has someone ever hit you in the face? Nope... well yes but it wasn't a punch or delibrate
-What is your biggest regret? Cheating on my ex...
-Would you sleep with Surlyboy if you had the opportunity? Ummm i don't know probably
-Have you ever been seriously ill/injured? yes all the time!
-Have you ever made the deliberate choice to hurt someone? Yes... again biggest regret
-Do you believe in ghost, spirits, etc.? Yes read prev. posts
-Are confident about the way you look? sometimes
-Do you see nobility or desperation in poverty? neither... i see no point in poverty but if you choose to move from lush land to a fucking desert you deserve it,..
-What do you find attractive in the opposite sex? Stomachs, Eyes, Backs, HIP BONES!
-Have you ever been imitate with someone of your own sex? Yep... for a year
-Are you vocal during the act of sex? lol i'm a screamer...
-What's your earliest memory? Being pushed into a bucket of water by my brother... i wasn't wearing underwear
-Do you think people are naturally selfless or self serving? Self serving... you have to look after yourself before you can truly look after someone else
-Do you believe certain people derserve to die? Yes...
-Is you life heading where you wanted it too at the end of High School? Fuck no! wheres my rich husband! hahah
-Do you perform fellatio? Yes... quite well i'v been told
-If so do you swallow the ejactulate? I don't see the point in spitting... if your going to take it in the mouth why not swallow it...
-What are you most proud of in your life? I havn't found that out yet
-What is the most affecting artwork/movie/book etc you have encountered? Thirteen... it was so my life! i sound so crap right now but it was my life.
-Do you have a tattoo? I used too...
-Do you like you parents as people? thats a strange question... but yes
-Did you have a happy childhood? Yes
-What do you enjoy about blogging? Reading other peoples... and the comments it helps to vent but knowing someone else is willing to comment on your rant is nice
-What do you want for your birthday? a pony...

Well there you go...

Quiznos

2006-03-22T13:19:00.000+11:00

Your Band Name is:

The Amish Pope

Band Name Generator

Your Candy Heart Says "Cutie Pie"

You always seem to have a hot date, even though you never try to meet anyone.
A total charmer, you have a natural appeal that keeps you in high demand.

Your ideal Valentine's Day date: multiple dates with multiple people

Your flirting style: 100% natural

What turns you off: serious relationship talks

Why you're hot: you're totally addicting

What Does Your Candy Heart Say?

You Are the Swedish Chef

"Bork! Bork! Bork!"
Your happy and energetic - with borderline manic tendencies.
No one really gets you. And frankly, you don't even get you.
But, you sure can whip up a great chocolate mousse

The Muppet Personality Test

You Are Lightning

Beautiful yet dangerous
People will stop and watch you when you appear
Even though you're capable of random violence

You are best known for: your power

Your dominant state: performing

What Type of Weather Are You?

You Are 74% Evil

You are very evil. And you're too evil to care.
Those who love you probably also fear you. A lot.

How Evil Are You?

11 Days!

2006-03-20T23:44:00.000+11:00

11 days til my folks leave!!!! so excited!! they drive me crazy... like tonight... The boy i'm currently seeing came for dinner to meet my family. scary enough thought as it is... seeing as we've only been "canoodling" for like a month. but the problem wasn't him... the problem was my family... u know those storys you block out of your memory becuase they're just to horriffic to deal with... THEY came out.. in front of him... my family laughing and him sitting with his head in his hands and me...well almost crying at the dinner table out of pure embaressment.
and i had to sit through another 2 hours of embarressing stories and old memorys that didn't need to be mentioned. Eventually they stopped and we both left. but MY GOD i'll be so glad when my parents leave!

That is all

I would just like to mention

2006-03-09T12:29:00.000+11:00

I'm so excited about the whole kick indy booty night... I don't know why!
and also This month is going REALLY SLOWLY!

and also... 22 days til my parents leave for 3 months....! the count down has begun!

I WAS FIRED!!

2006-03-01T22:42:00.000+11:00

MY god i think i'v had the shortest job in history! I was fired today for making a few small first day mistakes... Three days ago!!! none since then mind you.
Number one was the til... Yes i admit i'm shithouse at math... and yes i agree the til is easy normally but when u have like 68 buttons that all do something different and some of themare the same but different but the same you tend to make a few mistakes and stuff but not once did i gve someone the wrong change... or overcharge them!!
Number two was dress code and etticate (Spelling??) For one thing who the fuck has a dress code for a strip club... two who has one for the staff and also i don't wear clothes so what DRESS code and etticate MY GOD! the bar is full of sleazy old men, who if the chance so happens they would rub their greasy, hard dicks against your ass when you walk past... but just becuase i said Fuck to one of the costomers (in a friendly way mind you not a FUCK YOU kind of way) It's a bad thing!!! FUCK!
Last but not the least number three... Is it my fault if one of the security guards has a crush on me??? i don't think so... addmittedly i'm not ugly. i wouldnt say i'm hot or sexy but i'm not ugly and i do have rather large boobs.... but it's not like i asked him to like me or even waggled my ass in front of him... he just liked me and thats fine but apparently i'm not allowed to have people like me or want me when i work in a strp bar and i don't wear a top!! EXPLAIN THAT! i mean really... if you were a boy (or are a boy) if a girl had her boobs out, puring you a beer... wouldnt you want to take her home and make sweet graveyard babies with her!! i mean really... so I have been fired from hosies and It makes me sad!

That is all...

YAY!!!

2006-02-25T11:24:00.000+11:00

I have a job boys and girls... i am no longer dole bludging scum... I work... i am employed.
I love my ew job.. it's hard work but fun... i work at hoseys in the city... yes i hear all the boys saying... I know that name... it's a strip joint near flinders st... but don't be worried... you don't actually know what i look like so u can still come in and watch the shows.

ahhh... I hear the oice of ridicule... some people asked me why i would degrade myself by doing a job like this.... It makes me wonder why it's degrading?? if the girls there Want to do it, it makes them feel sexy, appreciated and wanted... something almost every girl i have ever spoken to wants
from their guy ( no offence to those guys who actually give this to their girl)
But really someone answer me what is so degrading and offencive about what i do? i would like to know...

but I'm excited and thought u should all know!!!

i have to go to WORK!

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!

2006-02-14T12:10:00.000+11:00

Is it just me or is this not the fucking stupidest day of the year! I mean sure, celebrate your love, celebrate the fact that u have a crush or a sweetheart or some kind of sick facination with animals but don't make those without these things pay for it! and also why do it on one specific day!!?? why not tell the person of your dreams that you love them everyday!? i'm sure they'd like that more than getting 12 fucking roses and a Shag tonight.
i'm sick and tired of people sending me HAPPY VALENTINES messages.
now, not to sound up myself but today so far, I have gotten 12 messages (from girls) 6 presents (from girls) four Kisses (from girls) and a phone call from my grandma. I think thats kinda pathettic... the fact that my friends think it's 'nice' becuase i don't have a boyfreind, to send me fake bullshit messages that they love me... I don't need a boyfriend for a fucking day!! i don't need to feel loved on one particular day... so please, people of blogdon, remember the real meaning of Valentines day... it is below if you wish to read it... as well as the Valentines day masacre in 1940ish... have a great NORMAL day and i will see you all again soon.

The Feast of Lubercus

The first interpretation has this celebration originating as a pagan tradition in the third century. During this time hordes of hungry wolves roamed outside of Rome where shepherds kept their flocks. The God Lupercus, was said to watch over the shepherds and their flocks and keep them from the wolves. Every February the Romans celebrated a feast called Lupercalia to honor Lupercus so that no harm would come to the shepherds and their flocks. Also during Lupercalia, but in honor of the goddess Juno Februata, the names of young women were put into a box and names were drawn by lot. The boys and girls who were matched would be considered partners for the year, which began in March. This celebration continued long after wolves were a problem to Rome.

St. Valentine's Day

As Christianity became prevalent, priests attempted to replace old heathen practices. To Christianize the ancient pagan celebration of the Feast of Lubercus, the church officials changed the name to St. Valentine's Day. To give the celebration further meaning and eliminate pagan traditions, priests substituted the drawing of Saints names for the names of the girls. On St. Valentine's Day the priest placed saint's names into an urn or box. The young people then drew a name from the container. In the following year, the youth was supposed to emulate the life of the saint whose name he had drawn.

By the fourteenth century they reverted back to the use of girl's names. In the sixteenth century they once again tried to have saintly valentines but it was as unsuccessful as the first attempt.

While it can't be proved historically, there were seven men named Valentine who were honored with feasts on February 14th. Of these men, two stories link incidents that could have given our present day meaning to St. Valentine's Day.

One of these men named Valentine was a priest during the reign of Emperor Claudius. Valentine was revered by the young and old, rich and poor, with people of all walks of life attending his services. At this time Emperor Claudius was heavily recruiting men to serve as soldiers for his wars without much success. The men preferred not to leave their wives, families and sweethearts to fight in foreign lands. Claudius became angry and declared that no more marriages could be performed and all engagements were cancelled.

Valentine thought this to be unfair and secretly married several couples. When Claudius found out, he threw Valentine in prison where he died. Friends of the priest retrieved his body and buried it in a churchyard in Rome.

Another version had St. Valentine jailed for helping Christians. While Valentine was in prison he cured a jailer's daughter of blindness. Claudius became enraged and had Valentine clubbed and beheaded on February 14, 269 A.D.

Yet another story claims that Valentine fell in love with the jailer's daughter and wrote her letters that were signed "From your Valentine."

All of the seven Valentines eventually evolved into one. In 496 Pope Gelasius declared the day in honor of St. Valentine. Through the centuries the Christian holiday became a time to exchange love messages and St. Valentine became the patron saint of lovers. Lovers' quarrels come under his jurisdiction and, naturally, he is the patron saint of engaged couples and of anyone wishing to marry.

One February evening in North Chicago, seven well-dressed men were found riddled with bullets inside the S.M.C Cartage Co. garage. They had been lined up against a wall, with their backs to their executioners and shot to death. With the exception of Dr. Reinhardt H. Schwimmer these men were mobsters working under the leadership of gangster and bootlegger, "Bugs" Moran. Within a few seconds, while staring at a bare brick wall, these seven men had become a part of Valentine's Day history: the St. Valentine's Day Massacre.

During the height of prohibition and the never-ending competition between gangster rivals Al "Scarface" Capone and George "Bugs" Moran, bloody warfare was nothing new to the authorities of Chicago. However, investigators on the scene found the Valentine's Day Massacre to be somewhat puzzling. The victims were mobsters, with an endless supply of weapons and well known capability for brutality. Why would they turn their backs and face the wall for anyone without putting up a fight? That was one of many questions to be answered.

Another question came about after an eyewitness gave her account of what happened on that night in 1929. She lived directly across the street and had a perfect view of the garage. She claimed to have seen two uniformed policemen exit the garage while escorting two plain clothed men who held their hands up in the air, as if they were under arrest. Of course, this comforted the shaken woman, thinking that the loud gun fire that she had just heard had been resolved and the parties responsible were being taken into custody. However, the Chicago police had no record of any such activity at 2122 Clark Street until they arrived on the scene to find the horrifying blood bath.

When it comes to suspects, a murder mystery can run the gamut of possibilities. In the case of The Valentine's Day Massacre, the person with the most motive was not difficult to come by. Although he claimed to be in Florida at the time of the murders, Al Capone was, without hesitation, the one and only suspect in this infamous crime. Thanks to prohibition, Capone had become the crime czar of Chicago, running gambling, prostitution and bootlegging rackets while continuously expanding his territories by getting rid of rival gangs. Capones fortune was estimated at $60,000,000. That kind of money gave Al Capone one of the oldest and most common motives in murder mystery history. He had to take down "Bugs" Moran at any cost. But as one of the leading gangsters in Chicago, Moran was not an easy person to get rid of. So in order to get rid of Moran, Capone chose to start at the bottom and get rid of Moran's outfit, leaving him defenseless.

When the bodies were discovered splattered on the floor of the garage, it seemed at first glance, that not one single person could have survived the force of the attack. However, this proved to be untrue, when one investigator on the scene found Frank Gusenberg lying amongst the bloody corpses, breathing heavily and choking on his own blood. Immediately, the unconscious victim was taken to the hospital where investigators waited with anticipation for their only possible lead to wake up and finger the men who were responsible. Their greatest fear was that he would die before they had the opportunity to question him, but eventually he did wake. When he was asked for the identity of the killer, he simply stated "I'm not gonna talk," before he laid his head back and died. Without Frank Gusenberg's testimony and with only a few eye witnesses outside the garage, the investigators had to return to the scene of the crime and try to piece the murder together with what information they had.

After a re-enactment of the crime, authorities concluded that the two men dressed as policemen entered the garage and acted as if they were police on a routine investigation. The Moran outfit automatically assumed that they were policemen on a routine sting. It was obvious that they didnt suspect anything questionable with the two uniformed killers or they certainly would have never been killed without a fight. But as it was, the mobsters seemed to have cooperated with the costumed officers and consequently let the fake policemen disarm them and force them up against the wall. As soon as their backs were turned, the two men in plain clothes entered with guns and shot them down.

Therefore, the eye-witnesses were somewhat accurate when they claimed to have seen two policemen arresting two men. What they had actually seen was four brutal murderers making their cleverly planned get away. If a neighbor or neighbors looked out after such rapid and explosive gunfire, what better way to calm their nerves, by letting them think that everything was under control. And indeed it was under control. The mysterious killers drove away into the night, long before anyone thought to call the police, because the neighbors saw from their windows that the police were already there.

As any mystery lover knows, a murder mystery would not be complete without a clear and well defined conclusion, but in the case of the St. Valentine's Day Massacre, it has every element of the mystery, but the ending. Al Capone was never arrested for the crimes; the mysterious gun men were never identified and Capone never graced a reader or interested member of the public with an over dramatic confession. Instead, he was blandly indicted for tax evasion some years later and spent seven years in prison only to be released to retire in Florida, where he died from Syphilis in 1947.

In many respects, the Valentine's Day Massacre follows the perfect mystery blueprint up to the end. Although Capone never went into complete detail on the events of the massacre, perhaps he did allude to his future plans for that bloody Valentine's Day in 1929. A few months prior to the murders, Al Capone mentioned to a fellow "associate" his plan to take down Moran. Capone was told by the "associate" that he would have to kill a lot of people in order to get to "Bugs" Moran. It is rumored that Capone replied by simply saying: "I'll send flowers."

There you go people, the macarbe things that happen on a day of love... Teenage girls being raped, a saint being killed and a mafia boss killing 78 people... what a wonderful day!

I wonder if...

2006-02-07T21:12:00.000+11:00

She ever thinks about me? I mean really... i was her best friend, weather she knew it or not. i was loyal, caring i fucking looked after her and stopped her from killing herself many many times... and once i forgot about her becuase she was hurting me too much... i even had myself replaced by someone who would do the same things becuase i actually fucking CARED about her...
if the blogger community is owndering who the fuck i am talking about... She WAS my best friend, many years ago... her name was Ezz, or Ezabella. I have mantioned her in the past... as someone who ruined my life and made me a skank... but in actual fact, she was everything to me... being young i worshipped her, not only for her beauty, but her personality... not something she gets much these days, seeing as she dosn't actually have one of her own.
but i worshiped her... i did everything for her becuase i loved her and not in a i want to be a lesbian way but a caring, way a friends only way... although, thats not the story she tells...
I looked after her, i bought her things.. i even got a fucking police record becuase if her but no i never spoke badly of her NEVER... forever sticking up for her when someone would say something bad...despite what my family was telling me.

after everything i did for her, after the friendship i gave her unconditionally... I wonder if she ever thinks or even cares about me?
I suppose not... but it would be nice to see her crying in her room becuase i was the only good friend she ever had

i really wish i could take it all back... the care, the love make her realise she has nothing.. make her realise that all the friends she has are or were all my friends to start with and without me she would never have met any of them... but i can't.. she is perfect and everyone loves her.. no matter how badly she treats them.

I never thought i could hate and yet love someone so fucking much... it hurts so bad

It is done...

2006-02-04T17:28:00.001+11:00

From my last post i'm sure you could tell i was quite upset with my "boyfriend" for what had done... it turns out he didn't even care after i told him it upset me and he was doing it becuase he's a CUNT....
so we talked about breaking up... because he's such a pussy he didn't like the idea of breaking up with me becuase he likes the sechs too much.... i'm not a fucking blow up doll... sure i might be endowed like one but FUCK!
we ended it then and there... we're still "friends" but it worked out for the best...
I am single for the first time since i was 13 and I feel...different i spose... i don't have to answer to anyone, i can fuck who i want and i can be myself for once in my fucking life!!
FUCKAPALOOZA HAS BEGUN!!
well not officially but i'm sure with time i will find a suitable specimen.

on another note a friend i have had for the past year turns out to be someone i have know for ages!! i didn't realise but this friend knew me back in the day and we had the same "friends" but we never spoke... don't quite know why?? maybe we were too different at that stage?? ahh well it's FUCKING AWESOME! She's the coolest chick and we don't have any kind of weird silence you get with new friends! YAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!

And i just remembered... i forgot about this "game" thing we had!!! so the new word is Vagabond... Hahaha! i like it shuddup

heres a random picture i found... YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!

It is done...

2006-02-04T17:28:00.000+11:00

...............................................................................................

2006-01-28T15:35:00.000+11:00

Last night, I was informed that one of my School friends had been killed in a car accident… sad although it might be and yes I am grieving some, the way I was told was quite…lets just say unsympathetic.

My “boyfriend” called me up to tell me that he was “ getting pissed with his mates and defiling human flesh” tonight… so he couldn’t come to the PIRATE PARTY my friend had invited us too… not really a concern for me because at the moment I’m trying to avoid him at all costs because he’s… well… fucking stupid. Anyway in the middle of us discussing this mid way through a sentence he chooses to tell me this horrible news. This is how the conversation went:

Him: yeah so I can’t come is that ok with you?

Me: yeah that’s fine…

Him Oh ok right so I’m seeing Gary and we’re getting pissed.

Me yeah I know

Him oh by the way your friend died

Me: **shocked!!** WHAT! WHO!!! WHAT??

Him: oh some guy names Ben Bartollo... u know he hit a pole got head injuries and it took like 3 hours for him to die… Isn’t that cool!!

Me: **pause** sob sob…

Him: whats wrong? (fucking retard!)

Me: oh I fucking wonder!

Click….

What kind of person does that!? I mean for one… he was my friend… Two he fucking DIED! And was in PAIN for hours before he died and Three… he thinks it was COOL!!! I don’t know what the fuck he was thinking…

As you might tell I’m kinda pissed off about it… and beuase I’m so fucking pissed off I can’t cry and because I can’t cry I can’t feel exactly what I wan to because I’m so pissed off.. it’s a fucking horrible cycle and I hate Andrew for it…

2006-01-22T23:06:00.000+11:00

It’s like 42 degrees and I’m boiling my little brain out of my skull… it’s difficult to think.

I went to my friend “big Ben’s” house today… he has one of those inflatable pool jiggers… Man that was awesome!! Spent like 5 hours in there watching cricket and talking etc… FUN TIMES PEOPLE!!

I was sitting next to Morris though and I think I may have like a psudo crush on him… he’s very spunky and VERY nice and lets admit… he’s better than Andrew… I know what you’re all thinking… “NO Sleshie!!! Don’t do it!” and no I wont… but I’m just getting sick and tired of the bullshit! U know… like the naivety!

U know what he did the other week… and I know it might sound stupid and like I’m kind of crazy… but I’ve told you all this before… but he bought the fucking NECRONMICON!!! The book of the mother fucking dead people… and is reading it as I speak… he’s fucking retarded!! Firstly he doesn’t believe that the shit is real despite the fact that there is some kind of proof… he also laughs at it… BIG MISTAKE! And then proceeds to try to read it out loud in front of me!! He knows how fucking petrified I am about that stuff… What kind of retard does that! I was ready to break up with him!! Man I’m so scared of that stuff that I almost crapped my pants! I yelled at him so loudly I think I might have a sore throat tomorrow….

Anyway I’ve had my rant

Lets play a game... or Play or i'll kick you in the shins

2006-01-18T22:45:00.000+11:00

I had this idea… you know one of those things that make your head hurt REAL bad…
And it was SPECFUCKINGTACULAR!! Yeah… u heard me!

It was: The Dictionary Game
U know it… but I’ll explain just in case I’m being presumptuous…

You start with a word… lets say it’s… Zenith… and you Must I repeat must use it in your next post… sounds fun ey!! But the catch is… in return for playing this game; you get to stump all your other blogger friends with another word… this can go down the bottom of your post (like the “soundtrack to this song” thing people seem to find popular) who wants to play??? Someone play with me… it can be kinda like the whole TAG thing… although not quite as annoying…

Lets start…

it's been a while

2006-01-18T10:38:00.000+11:00

WOW! it's been some time since updated huh... and suprisingly, not alot has happened!
I went to Nathalia for New years... got shitty presents for Xmas and basically not alot has changed... heres a random picture...
I think it's pretty... i'll post again soon gun... i'm sorry it wasn't exciting!!

2005-11-28T19:21:00.000+11:00

Can i just say that les claypool is god!

that said here are my top musicians... not real reason just thought people should know... HA!
not in order...
1. Marilyn Manson... I'm sorry boys and girls but i actually respect this man ALOT... he has some awesome stuff to say and being from a christain background actually means he knows what he's talking about! i love this man!

2. (michael) Trent Reznor... knows his shit... although i could debate some of the songs he's chosen to have singles released... like ummm lets see... "closer" hmmm... interesting choice.

3. Les Claypool... any man that can play bass and hold a mic at the same time... god.

4. Mike Patton... again knows his shit... inside and out litterally... any man that can hear the musical sugnifigance of an arm fart has to be some sort of entity.

5. Layne Stayley... Alice in Chains rock... what more can i say.

6. Maynard... he's just plain cool...

7. John lennon... if it wernt for John and his musical alent, we wouldn't have the music we have today... although we could do without Oasis...

8. Devon townsend... this man is quite possibly the Ugliest thing in the world yet he still made it big.. isn't there hope for you!

9. David bowie... a transition from ziggi stardust to the man he is today... Wow!

10. and finally Eminem HAAH!! no i'm kidding... i can't actually think of 10... i should be able to but the others are just too many to name and i don't like to be unfair...

now, people, i would like very much for you to tell me your top 10... it's not a tag thing it's just out of pure interest... if you don't want to fine... and please feel free to get into a heated, psycologial debate about why i'm carp becuase i like some of these people... please i would love it :)

now go.. enlighten me

what happened?

2005-11-28T17:48:00.000+11:00

My year has been a blur... well almost.
i started this year still with my ex... New years eve was...well... depressing... i left my boyfriends party to sleep because i had a migrane... no fun and he cracked the shits and yelled at me... not a good thing when your head is throbbing!!!
the next day i saw my bow boyfriend for the first time... him and his mates came round for a piss up and eventually i began to have fun whilst drinking....it was the only time i remember doing so this year....

Scene missing......

the next thing i knew my ex had called and thratened to kill himself over the phone becuase he was jealous of my boy... he was lying and told me he had already slit his wrist... i called the ambulance and they went to check him out... he was in hospital overnight on suicide watch...

Scene missing...

My ex gets a new girlfriend... someone i knew... someone i was friends with... someone who is exactly like me in many ways... i hate her... she hates me... we both did exactly the same things in our past... she's just younger and not sorry for it... so i'm better technically ha!

Scene missing...

The one Leaves and then comes back from sweden... 3 months pass.

Scene missing...

It's today and i don't know where my year went... there is 2 weeks til my 20th birthday and i'm freaking out... i'm old. well not actually old.. but to think 10 years have passed since i remember my brother telling me..."Double digets!!!!" wow... odd flash back.
and now i'm on the verge of a new life... i'm moving out soon. (well probably not but i'm trying to organise it with a friend and we're looking at houses) seems strange to think i'll actually be leaving my mum and dad... i don't know where this year went... it's almost christmas.. it's almost 2006 and i'm very scared and alone... i have met alot of new people and all my old friends have either deserted me or just lost touch... i dont think i have any old friends left... they're all new.
don't you hate that!!! u loose touch of old people you thought u would be friends with forever!... it's depressing... i need to get drunk... VERY VERY drunk... yes...
thats what i'll do...
that is all

I have two things to say

2005-11-21T06:27:00.000+11:00

1 is i worked at sexpo on saturday and sunday and i had the best time!! granted sexpo is shithouse and it disapointed me that i wasn't scared shitless by some chick in leather whipping me as i walked in the door... but i was working there and selling g strings and flirting my ass off.. and... get this... HAA! i got asked for my autograph becuase 6 dudes 9all seperatly) thought i was a porn star! how cool/scary is that! one i apparently look like a porn star... and two porn stars are usually kinda ugly.. so i'm not sure if it's a compliment or not??? but yes! FUNNN!

2. last performance on friday... i froze again.. i'm not sure why... i had dealt with the shit in my head before went on... i just froze... but i took a deep breath and improvised... it was alright... i juat kinda fell down dead... (i had to kill myself in the play anyway) but i don't know wether i should be performing anything to do with sluts from now on.. it just gets to me after a while...

that is all.

Worst eppisode EVER!

2005-11-18T16:36:00.000+11:00

as some of u may know... i had my performance today (another one tomorrow) my first one at 12:15 was Almost perfect apart from missing one line that didn't really matter... then second however... *sigh* was THE most embarressing thing ever! firstly, my dress' zip broke before we started... i had to pinned together. second, I froze... i don't know if you have ever done this, this it's the scaryest thing... mosr scary thanactually being out there... it wasn't nerves, it was the fact that in spite of me writing this play about someone else, after rehursing it for 3 months and now comming to the time when i have to say these horrible words in front of children, it got to me... let me explain a little.
In my course, we had to write a monologue, these were compiled into the play i am now performing, my peice went a little something like this:
Porceline painted face, twisted little smile, who are you trying to be.
Rape me, make me, All you are is a whore.
etc etc.
as you can imagine... not very nice and in the end i commit suicide my slitting my wrists...ery symbolic.
but my point is that i froze... ran off stage after freeking out and cryed for about an hour... it ws horrible... i hyperventilated, i shook, i screamed, i punched one of my fellow performers... not a fun day!
i need a hug!!

It is pending....

2005-11-18T13:36:00.000+11:00

My performance in comming up people as in like on this thursday!!! i want someone i know (or in you'r case almost know through reading shit about ut) to come and support me... my mum isn't comming becuase well, she dosn't want to see me
a) kill myself in front of her
b) swear in front of her and
c) call my self a slut and a whore
you get the picture. but u my fellow bloggers are welcome to join me!!
it's on at prahran tafe David Williamson Theatre (high st prahran) and times are Thursday 12:15 pm and 7:15 pm and friday 12:15 pm. please let me know before hand if u would like to come i need to make sure u have a place to sit...we don't want fire hazzards now do we?
Please come... at least one of you... it should be kinda fun... even if it is JUST a Tafe play.

My wondertabulas weekend!

2005-11-14T14:27:00.000+11:00

Friday: Andrew had practice... before i went, i cruised chappel st looking for some clothes, couldn't find any so i went to gown of thorns in brunswick st. didn't find any clothes i could afford or liked much but i found some AWESOME SHOES!!!!! they're knee high boots, chunky as shit, have heaters for cold nights ( i get really cold) and they look awesome!!!!! but yes, andrew had practice, as always it was fun! i love those guys but my friend Dale came down and met all the guys... so it was even better to have someone to talk to during the songs... :) she left after and Blair said he really liiked her... bad thing was that he's 28 she's 16 and well it's slightly illegal. but hey! young/old/statitory love!
Saturday: Andrews friend collin came down from the army... fucking psyco mofo! obsessed with guns and shooting shit up??? whats with that? why can't people leave shit alone? let it work out for itself!!! but anyway he came down and we went shopping for my friend kens birthday :P i bought him a KEN DOLL!!!! hahahah! i modifyed it a little... (read: burnt his eyes, gave him a moehawk and painted shit all over him...) eventually went to his party... was a fucking bad party... 12 people, sitting in a tiny garage, smoking weed, drunk off their ass's and then 8 of them left. sad. but all in all... i had fun for the 30 mins i was there... after theat we went to the GOSPEL OF THE HORNS gig at the rockhouse... fucking rocked my gine i tell u!! those guys are awesome! but the highlight of the night was suggling up to andrew and then having random, public sex HAAHA! just kinda came outta no where but it happened and we wernt cought!!! go me!
sunday: (today) slept til 4:00, left andrews, drove to mine, now sitting on computer! but *sigh i had fun! i'm about to go out with Krus, my kiwi friend... man he's a pissa! i'm happy for once! wow! *claps with joy*
That is all

Secret life of WHAT THE FUCK!

2005-11-12T09:40:00.000+11:00

I was watching secret life of us the other night...and where the FUCk did that dude go?? how can u have a secret life of us without the narrator? didn't he write the book and thats the whole reason for the show?? BAH! it's frustrating... although it's a slightly interesting show... i don't see how they can do it without 'Evan'*
that is all

Ummm it could just be me but....

2005-11-08T16:49:00.000+11:00

I think hlaf of my 38 in the last post was kind either deleted or something.. anyway this is that it's SUPPOSED to say:

38.

A friend once told me, Ignorance is bliss. And heaven is supposedly bliss... also, in some cults and religions (actually most) they generally talk of the place of knowledge and understanding. (Not ignorance) being in the place of fire (hell) also referred to as the center of the earth so he masses are told that they must do so on and so forth to be accepted into this Bliss (ignorance) and that all the knowledge is bad (a sin),

People are steered away from "hell" because that’s where all the answers to all the questions are. I think it makes quite a bit of sense…don’t you?

20 more for millwood (and those who care)

2005-11-08T16:45:00.000+11:00

20 more things... a re-tagging has been bestowed upon me... I feel special people want to know things about me...so here are your 20 more things my lord Millwood :)

21. I go to tafe in Prahran, I do performing arts there and I have a performance on the 17th and 18th of this month...that means next week feel free to come.
22. My favorite teddy I’ve had since I was a liddle takka is white, has blue eyes and her head tilts slightly to the left...strangely enough so does mine??? Coincidence?
23. My first word was Fuck...seriously...
24. I can pee in a urinal...really...it's kind of hard but I can
25. I'm FUCKING sick of manipulative people... if need attention that fucking badly...buy a dog! I don't need u fucking me around because u feel threatened.

26. I’m kind of sad to admit this but I’m obsessed with Invader Zim, Brak, Harvey birdman attorney at law, Futuraama and family guy

27. I bite my nails… it’s a horrible habit but I can’t stop.

28. I have never broken a bone, but I have incredibly flexible joins…I can do things with my arms ad hips that just aren’t natural.

29. I have dimples in my shoulders, I was born like that but my sister dislocated my shoulders when I was 1 by dragging me around the living room by my arms and they stayed that way

30. I cannot stand Nicolas cage… he makes me want to vomit…seriously.

31. If I had the chance to have dinner with 3 people, living or dead, they would be: Marilyn Manson, Jesus and John Lennon. But only because I want to know what Manson would do to Jesus.

32. I have failed at almost everything I have ever done in some small way.

33. I have never seen The Godfather (1,2 or 3), Gremlins or Clockwork orange all the way through. There are more movies but I can’t think of them now.

34. I’ve always wanted to learn how to play the violin, but my fingers are too nubbly and I don’t think I could stretch as far as that.

35. I have had diabetes for 15 years… it’s scary.

36. I used to look like a porcelain doll when I was little, there’s a photo to prove it, and now they scare the shit out of me!

37. My grandfather on my mums side, ran away from England in 1930, to escape after ww1and changed his name and never spoke of his family…we don’t know my mothers real maiden name. But I’m pretty sure we own a castle in Scotland somewhere.

People are steered away from "hell" because that’s where all the answers to all the questions are. I think it makes quite a bit of sense…don’t you?

38. I saw the move ‘stay’ last night, I haven’t been that confused about a story line since ‘American psycho’ I think you should all go and see it.

39. I tend to get along with most people, if I try hard enough, but some people take advantage of my niceness and willingness to help them whenever they need it…I think that’s mean. But I never learn and I’m still just as nice if not more so than I used to be.

40. My mum once told me that ‘God’ told her when I was born that I was the ‘child of their forgiveness’ she now believes the reason I forgive too easily is because I have gods forgiveness in me and I’m too trusting…I personally think it’s bullshit.

41. I HATE those t-shirts from supre with the gay little slogans on them e.g.: I’m only wearing black until they invent a darker color for one thing Black is NOT a color, it’s a Shade, two. If u think you’re so fucking hardcore, why feel the need to advertise it on your shirt. And ones like “ I love the OC” although… my friend did buy one and put a big ass C in frount and a K on the back and when some stupid Supre Slut came up to her and said “I love your shit” while she was wearing a jacket that covered her “art” she ripped off the jacket to reveal the “I love cock” and the poor girl was devastated! I love it!!!

Well Millwood, I hope this answers some of your questions about me… want to know more… FRIGGEN ASK ME!!

tag-aroonies!

2005-11-06T18:45:00.000+11:00

It seems sir surly had tagged me... I thank him for the honor. Let me warn u I’m not that interesting.

I’m scared of the dark…actually petrified. If u turn off the light while I’m sitting alone in my room… I will scream and most likely pee my pants…seriously
I think I have been through almost every stage a teenager can go through in terms of dress… no really… I was even a nudist for about a week till I got so bored I wanted to leave my house…
The most traumatic thing in my life would be my grandmothers death… we were really close and she used to bake me cookies every day after school… but the way she died was pretty sad… actually for years I believed I killed her…She was blond, deaf and had a broken hip by the time I was 14 and I was walking her into church on Christmas morning and because I couldn’t direct her properly she fell off the walkway and into the garden breaking her other hip and spine… she was in intensive care for 3 weeks then put in a home until she died a year later… before she did… I kissed her on the head and asked her to forgive me…she died before giving me an answer.
I have been acting and doing Drama classes/courses since I was 11…at first it was because I had really bad pronunciation but hen it grew into a love I admit I’m not fucking great but I’m pretty damn convincing J
I have Diabetes, I have to take 4 injections a day and it’s not that bad… but what really annoys me is people who stare at me on the train when I do an injection... I’m not a fucking junky… I’m not injecting veins and I can prove it!
My favorite band is the Beatles… I don’t listen to them much anymore but it’s only because my record player is broken. John and Stuart were my favorites and Back beat is also my favorite movie… I dressed up as Paul once when I was 12…it was the most hideous thing I have ever seen.
Other bands I like include: Nine inch nails, Marilyn Manson, A perfect circle, Tool, Strapping young lad, Mike Patton, Velvet underground, Bowie, Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, Meshuggah, Massive attack, Fiona Apple, Tori Amos Alice in chains… I think u get the picture.
I was never a girly girl… all I wanted to do was play with trucks and get dirty…now all I want to do is play video games & get dirty…nothings changed…
I am completely OBSESSED and I mean like OCD obsessed with presents and wrapping paper and costumes. I think one time I almost killed a girl because she took the last of my sticky tape when I needed to wrap this present.
I cannot stand people who are afraid of silence…I is the most annoying thing when people just wont shut up! Especially if they’re not talking about something of substance in the first place!
I am an awesome cook…granted I’m no chef but I can cook a mean roast or chocolate brownies.
I’m scared of being alone… and I don’t mean like emotionally alone or sad although they are also scary I mean actually physically alone… it’s quite frightening.
I am pretty flexible… I used to be a gymnast… I was asked to move to Canberra for training but I didn’t want to so I quit.
I have a dog (Sam) two mice (Danger Mouse and Pedro). I used to have 2 cats (Mittens and Miranda) but Miranda was killed by a pit bull when I was 14 and Mittens forgot how to clean herself and got dreaddies for 6 months and fell asleep and never woke up.
I LOVE hospital food… I don’t know why.
I HATE violence of any kind. Except in movies. I cannot deal with people yelling at me or punching shit for no reason.
I know a lot of useless info… just ask me.
My favorite books are: George Orwell’s 1984, Alice in wonderland, Alice and the looking glass, anything by Shakespeare, anything on serial killers…anything really I just like reading.
I work as a sales rep for Tat Rat clothing… they make tattoo g strings and just between u and me I think they’re fucking stupid… but they pay me well so I don’t care… I haven’t made a sale yet… I think I’m going to loose my job. L

20. the worst thing thats ever happened to be during sex didn't really happen TO me... we were "doin it' in the car (it was a seca hatch) SMAAALLL!!!! and we had finished and i felt a pop on my leg... then warmth, the guy had gotten stuck and ripped off his foreskin... MAN! it was horrible... but he was fine... no pain nothing??? explain that!

the photo's u missed...

2005-11-06T18:17:00.000+11:00

here they are.. arnt i perdy! haaa!!! no really... validate me.. love me.. hug me!! beeeeehhhh hahahaha!

ME!!

Me with dreaddies!! oooo perdy,and stinky!
well umm the rest of whatever u wanted is below...

DAMN!!

2005-11-05T08:34:00.000+11:00

I thougyht those picutes would work!! well... umm i'll try again soon.. sorry dudes...

2005-11-04T18:21:00.000+11:00

hello,
i thought maybe i should tell u somethings about myself... u know.. for u to get to know me better or whatever... so here goes.

well... here's a photo of me...:) yes i know black and white but i looked really blotchy... but i like this photo :) if u'r not impressed i have more...let me show u!! Me with dreaddies!! i actually had these for about a month... they were extentions... i still have them if anyone wants one HAHA!

Yes this is me... if u don't trust me then fuck u! but i used to model...before i got fat...and this is one of the shoots i did... unfortunatly i look shithouse. but ce la vie...

this is a friend of mine... he's quite sexy! no really.. he actually is in real life...

i have a HUGE thing for dave navaro and carmen elcetra! sad i know but he's sexy.

Ummm music i like don't judge me on this...
Alice in chains
Marilyn manson
Nine inch Nails
Strapping young lad
KoRn-although not too much anymore
George
Mudvayne
Faith no more
Mr. Bungle
Fantomas
Tomohawk
Peeping tom
Dillinger escape plan
Aphex twin (some)
John buttler kinda?
The waifs
ect... i spose u don't really care.... u know i con't think of anything to tell you... if u want to know anything... ask me i will tell u anything... excpt my address and phone number...that would just be silly.

2005-11-03T17:50:00.000+11:00

i don't like to complain in this thing but it seems all i do, it's not like i have huge problems... i mean it's the normal shit.. love, life etc but i feel like i'v never grown up... like i have physically (OBVIOUSLY!!) but mentally i feel behind... like i'm stuck behind a mirror or something... in fact did u know (useless fact for the day) apparently free masons ( i hate those arse's) to trap children into thir "religion" put them in front of a mirror and "trap" part of them behind it..they can't get out until they are freed by the same person that put them there! freaky.. not that i really belive in that but i heard it today and thought FUCK!!!
anyway i feel like i'm stuck somewhere and i need to be found... i wonder the world pretending to be happy and something i'm not and then BAM! i go home or i'm alone and my life changes... u know i got called fat today ( for those of you who don't know me i'm not actually fat, maybe a little pudgy round the sides but all in all a reasonably thin chickie) and it's not like the person who aid it even means anything to me... in fact i hate her but it was just the rudest thing in the world... i mean sure.. call someone fat or ugly behind they're back ( becuase we all know everyone does it now and then) but in front of the person directing it at them is just plain rude... what happens if i went home tonight and killed myself becuase what she said offended me so much HUH!?? i wouldn't... basically becuase really it didn't bother me (except for the fact that it was rude) but what would she do if i did? would she just call me stu[id for taking offence to it? would she deny doing it? would she even know it was her fault? i wonder about this soetimes... what would appen if i killed myself... would anyone care? i mean really? like sure they'd be sad for a little while (the one who love me) but who would show up to my funeral and to quote reality bites " they would show up wearing chokers and tight tops like on melrose place" it makes me think... but getting back to my point... i feel lost and i'm not quite sure where to turn. councelling dosn't seem to be helping me at all with the shit i halucinate or my problems and i really don't want to go on medication...i don't think i'm that bad!! so what do i do??

I realise most of u reading this are probably thinking "GOD!!! what kind of retard thinks this shit" or " this girl is compleatly stupid becuase of " but i just don't know anymore....

a little space.

2005-10-19T15:06:00.000+10:00

Hey there people…

I need some help…I think I need a place to stay for a little while... I’m going insane sitting here by myself and wasting away in my parent’s home… I need to know what it’s like to live out of home for a little while (just a week or something) I am NOT happy here anymore and really I think it’s time... If I could use a couch, a bed or a floor somewhere, anywhere in Melbourne… I would really appreciate it… I’m quite depressed and I’m willing to try anything to make myself better… for those of you who know a little about me (or have read my other posts) I liked a boy…and as fate would have it… he found out…freaked out and kind of yelled at me… so yeah… I’m feeing quite the unwanted little teenager with a crush/broken hearted freak… at the moment so if someone could spare maybe 10 mins of they’re time to talk to me or give me a place to stay or something... get me out of this rut I’m in… I need to get away for a little while… I’m asking you this because I’m scared and need help… please help me!!

Thanks

LIBRA!!

2005-10-12T10:51:00.000+10:00

i just checked my profile... and apparently i'm a libra.. althought i'm not... i'm actually sagitarrian... (spelling?) yes.. stupid blogger....americans always have to be different GRRR! stupid! anyway thats it :P

bord

2005-10-12T10:25:00.000+10:00

I'M BORD! Someone entertain me; take me out... anything.... Do it *shakes fist*

On the verge of tears

2005-10-06T15:25:00.000+10:00

Ok... so i'm complaining again... but i hope at least one of you can help me...
my heart feels like ash... black,decayed and useless ( i know ash is useful but shh) i have a hole where my happy streak used to be... i pretend...OH how i pretend to be happy around other people... i know it's wrong... but i have done it all my life and it's hard to change.. and also i dont like to bring others down.
i might seem like a depressive goth chick who's always down on her self for various reasons (i'm steriotyping here)... i really don't know if i'm capable of love... i can lust, i can like, i can care but what exactly is love? can someone explain it too me? really?? i'd like to know... i sound up myself as i say this but i have so many people fall in love with me...actually fall in love and want to marry me and have little sleshies and whatever but i can't seem to find that same happyness with someone else...or at least i Think i have it then i fuck it up becuase i'm a stupid ass!
I had someone tell me today that my eyes looked as though they were screaming everything i wanted to say but didn't... things like HELP ME! and FIX ME! and LOVE ME! I never thought i was that bad... i actually had one of my friends sugest anti depressants to me this week... i never ever thought i was THAT bad! i mean i know people on anti's and they're pretty fucked up! (appologies if you're on them but the people i know are actually insane!!) if someone thinks i need anti depressants then i must be pretty transparent... thats scary...
u know happyess is pretty hard to attain... like u have to first know what u need to be happy... then u have to find it! then keep it... it's hard work... sometimes i think i should give up...let go or life u know... not suicide (i'd never have the guts to do that) but like just slip away... forget about everything and become a vegitable... a living corpes... wouldn't that be scary... but then i think... i couldn't do that becuase then i'd miss the oppertunites to actually have happyness! i'd miss the one chance i have at freedom...and that would be sad...i know this all sounds like teenage angst but i'm almost 20 and my teen years are over... and i never went through this so called angst... i was a pretty happy teen until my friends fucked me over and over and over again! but thats a diffesrent story for another blog...
i really need help i think i might be manic depressant and i know thats a pretty big statement but i'm happy one minuet, then depresed, then about to cry...then pissing my self laughing over nothing the next... there is something wrong with me!
what is love....? is it just thinking u love the person or is it actually a feeling u can't errase... someone tell me...

Dilemma...or is it?- thinking about stuff

2005-10-02T16:20:00.000+10:00

In my past posts I have written of things like love, things like supernatural visions ad things like hurt and depression... in this one it is much the same but after some deep thought and realization I have come to the conclusion that I don't actually know what I want or can do or even need... so... here goes my rant...
The One is actually not the one at all… you see… my theory is that you cannot be in love with someone unless they love you back so…I do not actually love The one. Because he doesn’t love me back… I am just being a girl… thinking I am in love & holding onto what I think I should be doing… I need to sit down, think about my circumstances and feelings and work myself out before I can even comprehend the whole love saga…I should break up with my boyfriend because I don’t love him and just be alone for a while…as I write this I realize I haven’t actually ever been alone… since I had my first boyfriend at 14 I have gone from one boy to the other without a break longer than 2 weeks… I know I hear some of you saying “Jesus! You pick up easy!!” but really I never actually liked any of these boys enough t warrant a true relationship (all except Wayde) so I need some alone time… alone being away from a relationship… to think about my life and where I want it to go and who I want to be with when I’m ready! I should have realized this a long time ago…saved my self the hassle of so many failed relationships…

I have wasted 6 years of my life…on bullshit… on one-sided relationships… I need to get up the balls to do what I have too… to break up with my boyfriend and just…be myself…instead of who he wants me to be…*sigh*

That is all

Stratigically placed thoughts

2005-10-01T09:38:00.000+10:00

This past week has been...well boring to say the least.
no sacks of cheese being carted around, no interesting fun bits at all.. it's been depressing. I find that my thoughts wonder when i'm alone... as most peoples do, but in my case they seem to revolve around myself and whats wrong with me...i reallise i have done nothing wrong apart from the odd mistake and general shit everyone does but i see myself going places in the future but i cannot see a way to get to this said "future". i belive (like many people or at least marilyn manson does) that dreams are kinda of like a window into your future and if you play your cards right your dreams will come true... in in some cases this has been true... example i hear you asking... well in my case... I know everyone going to hink i'm a freakazoid but you asked...
since i was little... i have hullucinated things... and dreamt things that normal people normally wouldn't. I see little girls hanging from my roof, i see women with Giant holes in the back of their head, i see little men with wrinkles and slits in their wrists... but in the dreams... i see bad things happening to people i know, things like death, things like pain (emotional and physical) and i see things happen that are good... and most of the time when i dream this they come true...three (3) people i have dreamt about have died that very night and too many people to mention have had bad things happen to them after i have dreamt it...i tend to ge dejavu alot... call me superstisious.. call me a freak but it really does happen and it's freaky..but my point is i don't just have bad dreams...i have good ones and that happens too... and i keep dreaming the same thing...i dream i am either famous or the wife/girlfriend of someone famous and i'm happy... i'm actually fucking happy in my dream i can feel myself smileing... and so i hope that my dreams about myself are going to come true... not nessisarraly the fame part (although that would be awesome) but the happyness thing and the joy of being in love... my thoughts wonder in this all the time and i think someday it will make me insane.. this blog makes no sence i'm jumping from one point to the other but i'm just writing what i think and normally it's a good thing I'm sorry to have confuzzed anyone... but i'm in a bit of a strange mood and thought someone might be able to give me another insight into what they either see, think or feel... so please tell me... i'm feeling a little stupid writing all this... but deal with it...
that is all
Sleshie.

Depressive ass

2005-09-27T16:03:00.000+10:00

Now, I realize I said I would never write about how shitty my life is... I said I would never complain here because I hate people who do that... but I see this as a little different if it ACTUALLY makes me want to leave this wonderfully cynical earth. So I will tell you of my troubles.... if you are willing to listen.

As mentioned below I was quite sluttish in my time and now karma had decided to come full circle at me. I have fallen in love... and the fact that I have waited a year for this boy means I actually do love him and not just some kind of delusion I might have about love (I have them often but they never last this long) and I see no way to get over this dilemma I have... I know I seem depressive ass... but really I have no solution to this problem. I have tried everything to stop myself loving this boy who wants nothing to do with my love but only friendship. I’ve tried hating him, I’ve tried being friends... I’ve tried staying away... he went away for 3 months and I started not to care.... then he came back and my feelings got stronger... I’m in a downward spiral of depression and to top it all off my diabetes is getting worse and I think I’m going to die before my time... so that’s my problem if anyone has any type of solution. Or even just a party to take my mind off. Let me know. I need some type of help.

Love Stinks

2005-09-25T23:55:00.000+10:00

Hello boys and girls, let me tell you a story or ~~horror and deception~~ Fun and niceness.
Love, my young friends, is something to be treasured and if you ever actually fall in love and I mean LOVE... not puppy psudo love. I mean love.... please treasure it and don't fuck with that persons head because you believe you can find the same thing else where... you can’t or if you do LUCKY YOU!!!

Let me tell you my story... as I’m sure u all care. *Cough*
at the age of 14... I had my very first actual boyfriend... now please don’t judge me on this. Because as people might or might not have told u people change...oh god I have changed in the time from then to now... anyway 14... boyfriend... names don't matter. But I had my first boyfriend and he never paid me any attention. So my best friend at the time chose to ~~scar me for life~~ enlighten me on what I should do in this situation because she ~~had never had a boyfriend in her life~~ had many suitors in her young life. She told me to cheat…. She told me that cheating would make this boyfriend jealous… he would want me back after I had kissed another boy… ha! I know I’m funny!

Anyway I did so. And had the two going at the same time… I had now become what some people call a ~~slut whore bitch crazy asshole~~ hussy.

Anyway… this pattern never seemed to stop… I was always confused as to why… I did the right things. I said the right things and I did everything my friend told me to do because of course she ~~had no fucking clue~~ knew that she was talking about. As I say this went on for a while… lets say oh *does math* 5 years. Yes read it again u heard me!

I was quite naive. I went from boy to boy to boy and never found what I wanted… never found what I deserved… love… The point of my story… so… I also in this time broke away from this friend...THANK GOD! I hear you cheering! But I was obsessed with this girl… she taught me everything I knew. Ruled my life. Made me who I was. I needed her. But I broke away when I found a boy on my own… a boy who treated me right a boy I almost loved. He showed me what she had made me. He taught me what to do. How to be good… how to stop ~~whoring my self off~~ being mean. But in my nature… after a year of going out with this boy I cheated on him for the first time… I kissed another boy… he forgave me! I was dumbfounded… but I was happy because I had him back… then again after a year I moved on… I kissed another boy… then he took me back because this silly boy was in love… with me! I know I hear u saying FUCK! What a DUMBASS!! But really he loved me flaws and all… so we got back together. Then again after another year I fucked someone else… I had never done that before escalated myself to ~~whore prostitute~~ full cheating. This one hurt him badly… it was someone we both knew and someone we both kind of liked. But I did it… I told him after almost dying in hospital because I wanted a clear conscience*

He took me back again! Silly boy… we were solid we were happy I had learned my lesson finally…or so I thought. Until I met The One he worked in a games shop… he was a nerd… he was everything I wanted… I HAD to have him…so I invited him around to my place to “get to know me” because we were already almost friends it wasn’t a problem… he came over I seduced him… I had my way with him… I invited him over again. It happened again the next night… until I woke up to a CLICK of my front door… and a scream of pain. My boyfriend had come over with flowers to make me up and kiss me on the forehead and I was in bed with another boy… his heart shattered on the floor… it literally broke into a million pieces. I saw it. He ran… out the door and into the morning… I receive a call later that day. It was my boyfriend. He asked me why… what had he done wrong? What could he do? Why did I do it again? I had no answers… I had nothing but regret and guilt. It was then I knew. And I know I was about 7 years too late but then I knew I had to change things… I broke it off with my boyfriend… I started something new with The One we didn’t go out but I fell quite hard and fast for this one… and remained friends with my now ex boyfriend.

I had finally fallen in love with someone… but as fate and I suppose karma would have it. It didn’t work out. I fell he started to fall and then became scared and ran away to Sweden… but the point of my story is… although I used to be a ~~slut whore bitch asshole mother fucker of a prostitute~~ Cheater… I am no longer a cheater and judge me if you will I don’t care I’ve heard everything before I know it all.

I am telling you my story because I never want anyone to go through the pain of what I have put people through… and I myself have now been through… so learn children learn… it’s not just boys who cheat and it’s not just girls who can fall in love. And it’s not just sluts who make themselves that way… so next time you see a group of girls… looking like teeny boppers do these days, dressed in supre, giggling about the boy they just saw who was a “hottie” think… who makes them that way… who is the leader or that group… which girl out of them is molding these young minds into what I became… and then, once you have worked this out… grab your fork or whatever you’re close to…and kill that once girl… people like her deserve to die. People like me have the right to choose. But also sometimes…you don’t know you’re making a wrong choice until you have made it again and again and again… please… I ask you don’t judge me I have dealt with this I’m only informing you of this because I saw it today and it made me remember…

That is all

Soundtrack to this blog: NIN with teeth…

Quizzie thingo's

2005-09-23T11:30:00.000+10:00

By participating in this quiz, you have unwittingly proved your randomness and insanity. Good for you. SHOES!

Kinky Leather

You are Kinky Leather underwear. Even though you are uncomfortable and warm, a lot of people choose you. You are sexy and exciting and represent something somewhat forbidden. The main purpose for you is to be as hot and nauhty as you possibly can. You're probably coming off soon anyway, so you don't have to stay fresh. You love to join your owner in trying new things. Especially strange things. You don't come out much except in certain situations, and that can give you a narrow view of the world.

Your fated to have a Dark love. Probably a lover of things gothic, your artistic and original. Although you're a loner and independent to a fault, all you will need is him, and he will feel the same...

Please rate aaaaand... eat chocolate bars? *cough*rate*cough* ^^

Incredible! You know the male species like the back of your hand. You must have a family and social group filled with the little pigs. Any guy would be extremely lucky to have you as a girlfriend. He'll know it, too, as you'll be getting "I love yous" and drooling kisses galore. Message me. ;)
* i think this dudes a little odd... but YAY! perfect girlfriend!

2. Unyielding Love.

You have undying love for your future spouse, and you would do anything for them, while this is the most deep type of love, be adivsed, that if a breakup should occur, your type of personality would have the toughest time getting over it, perhaps maybe you can't even if you wanted to...

Well i hope tis let u learn something about me becuase t's absoltly strange and i was bored for many hours LEAVE ME ALONE!!
That is all

A fun day all round

2005-09-21T22:37:00.000+10:00

Hello, *tips cap*
I had a good day today... just thought I should write something as I’ve been slightly slack assed recently. I went to wasteland* today to get my hair cut... as most of u are probably aware (seeing as gun street is the only one who actually reads my blogs) I used to have dreaddies and yesterday I took them out because they were growing out.... anyway went to wasteland to get a haircut... met up with Gun street girl...had many a laugh... and shopped for a few things... Random things might I add... and gun street.... I bought so much crap when u left.... I should have just left with you :( but this is what I purchased:
1. A parasol
2. A purple top (that doesn’t fit me!!!)
3. Hair things*
4. Face things mostly moisturizer and shit but it wasn't cheap!
Well this is more of an almost purchase...
5. That nintendogs thing! I’m such a stalker!

But random shit I did buy and will probably never use... and that was my day.... thank you Gunny for entertaining me with your random ninja turtles undies shopping!

That is all

TAT RAT

2005-09-15T18:24:00.000+10:00

Hello there... Shameless promotion comming.....

I now work for TAT rat clothing co... anyone interested in doing some NUDE modeling... u will be waering a G string... but could be topless... give me a hoy... i need models for a photo shoot and you will get paid!!!! so let me know if your interested...

Nothing more to say but FANTOMAS!!!

2005-09-15T07:58:00.000+10:00

Oh the fun had by all last night.... i arrived at about 6:30 ish.... unfortunatly Mike had just goin inside after meeting and greeting people but my buzz was there and ready to go.... i saw an old friend YAY! i love that boy... it's been too long and cought up with him for the hour and a bit i was sitting outside... finally at 8:00 we were allowed inside after sitting in the cold (wheres spring god???) anyway when we got inside Dj KATS was on for about 2 hours to kill everyones buzz... man he's shithouse! i mean i respect the fact he loves what he does... but the amount of high pitched bullshit music he was playing jst hurt and most of us (apart from two dickheads who actually bought fantomas tix to see Kats) where there to see fantomas and we're used to high pitched resinence....so this was bad....
but yeah he played for about 2 hours too long and Fantomas arrived on stage *SCREAMS!!!* i had the perfect position.... i could see everyone and exactly what they were doing and how the geled together ect... it was awesome! like not awesome in the stoner sence.... it was AWEsome! i was just standing there the whole time in awe of dave lombardo and mike. the other dudes were great like bass and guitar but mike and dave just did not stop playing the whole time... it was full on... and it's amazing Mike can actually make some of the noises in real life... i know there are mics that help him out but... really it's a little different.... u just had to be there and if u were... u know what i'm talking about...
I had so much fun... i'm still in shock... i think this experiance will change my life forever...i certainly hope so.
that is all

Disrespectful to say the least

2005-09-12T21:32:00.000+10:00

HOLY CRAP!
My fucking boyfriend is a ~~dickhead~~ very naive person... I’m sorry to whinge and whine over something that seems so small but really... i was quite offended and i felt the need to share my boyfriend’s idiocy with everyone else.
My boyfriend actually told me that Trent Reznor had no musical talent... I mean sure to some people he might sound horrible but they can at least understand the fact that he knows what he's doing with music and the fact he started something good in most people.
But to say he has absolutely no musical talent and disregard songs like closer, perfect drug and even fucking hurt is just plain stupid... I almost broke up with him because he wouldn’t listen to my defense... he was so set in this idea... I think I should have but I didn't...
I understand not everyone likes Nine inch nails or even knows who they are but really... u must admit (those who know) he has either had an impact on you life or music taste or he has musical talent... back me up in proving my boyfriend wrong.
that is all.

i think i was fired?

2005-09-11T16:37:00.000+10:00

Last night at work... I took a break because I had a head spin... as normal I brought my smokes with me and yes I know they kill you.... I went outside after asking my boss and she said yeah sure... I went out had a smoke and she comes out and tells me I’m too fucking sick to work there for much longer...despite the fact I am actually VERY sick I think I do my job alright. Anyway I go back inside afterwards and she calls me to the office...I clear a few tables then I go up...this is how the conversation went:
Boss: What the FUCK makes you think you can disrespect my authority and wishes?
Me: I didn't?
Boss: You did... you not allowed to smoke on breaks...
me: no one told me that
boss: Just go home.... *waits* are you telling me I’m lying?
Me: no of course not you stupid whore bag slut bitch*
boss: JUST GO HOME (yelling)

so I left... after having a bit of a teary because well... I’m a pussy.
I felt so stupid. Is it a crime to demoralize someone at work? I think it should be made on if it's not already. Anyway I think I was unofficially fired. I haven’t been told as much yet but I hope to god I can re work it so I can just quit and save my record... I don't want to have a FIRED on my record that’s just shit!
Anyway... my self-esteem is down and I feel slightly depressed.... someone cheer me up...

* She’s not actually a slut or a whore or even a bitch… she’ quit nice but the fact she yelled at me made me angry…

Relief at last.

2005-09-10T10:20:00.000+10:00

Oh goodness.... I went to my friend kiwi boy's house last night...fun to say the least... ended up watching Manson and NIN clips all night... I FINALLY saw broken... it's been a long wait let me tell you... but yes... had fun... but the thing was... I forgot to bring a change of clothes... and goodness gracious...I was wearing leather pants and the sweaty monster that is me in the mornings couldn't have a shower at kiwi boys house because I woke up too late so I had to ware the same clothes I wore to school yesterday and not shower or brush my teeth or anything hygienic at all!! I feel dirty...in a bad... normally I just feel dirty. heh heh... apart from that my day was fine... I watched a movie in class... thank god. I wasn't in the mood for learning. And Blondie and small knee caps were looking especially fine :) ahhh my goodness they're attractive.
And tonight shall be full of fun... I’m going to an erotica party tonight... OH the fun! Theres going to be an erotic jumping castle! Oh man I get to jump on boobs!!! Wooooo!!!
But that is my night and I’m proud of it... I just hope the one...ahhhh he's sexy! Yes... 8drools and thinks back*

The one = boy of my dreams
Kiwi boy = friend of mine from NEW ZEALAND aye!Blondie and small kneecaps = friends from school.

Oh Jesus...i need food!!

2005-09-09T10:59:00.000+10:00

WOW!!! Only a few hors ago I had nothing to write and now... FUCK!!
On the train on the way home...normally I’m just tired from a hard day of learning things... but today I started to feel a little weirder than normal. I realized I was low (I have diabetes for anyone who didn't know this!!!) so I’m low... my sugars are at 1.2 (that’s VERY low...almost passing out coma stage) and I have AGES to wait till I get to my station and then I would have to walk home before I could get some sugar.
So I’m sitting there disoriented and my brain is slowly turning to mushy mushy goo pellets... and who should come up and ask for my ticket.... fucking connex pigs!
Tickets please" came a voice from where i had no fucking clue! I freaked out!!! I was like GOD??? Is that you! Holy crap I was delusional. They finally get to y seat and as I had my feet up there... to stop myself from falling off the fucking train and killing myself...they slapped me with a fine... secondly... I didn't have a ticket because wheat I do when I’m low...as do many other diabetics... I do what NEEDS to be done instead of thinking of every other thing that could possibly go wrong and so I just jumped on the train without my "valid ticket!”
Anyway after being given this fine of 50 whole dollars...they asked me for my ticket... I was fumbling round in my bag for about 10 mins before it happened.... the dizziness... the feeling like your coming down off acid and all you can do is cry.... it hit me like a fuckng brick shithouse! I quickly interrupt the connex guy who's complaining I’m taking too long. (Asshole) and say I’m diabetic... and pass out...
next thing I know I’m in Ringwood.... in the office... Man!! What a day!!!
Obviously they found some sugar for me... but at least I got out of another fine!!! It’s slightly embarrassing to have passed out on a train in peak hour but what was I supposed to do?
Anyway that’s my story of the day! *Giggles*

The start of something new...or so it seems

2005-09-08T11:51:00.000+10:00

I have officially joined the Nerd cult...it is a privilege and an honour... I’d like to thank my mum, for the endless supply of comic books at a young age... and my Ex boyfriend for making life so fucking boring that I had to read them again...and again...and again....and possibly again... but mostly to lizzi...the blogging Queen..*all hail* for getting me addicted to blogging in general (as I read this sentence I realise this is my first blog ever and I acknowledge the irony of this sentence)

as nothing has happened to me this week that is of any importance or fun i have nothing to say...
so i'll leave it there for now and when something happens i will let you know all about it in great horrible detail.... goodbye!

Elesha